I was not myself

Warning: If you do not like reading about suicide, suicidal thoughts or other items of that nature, you may not want to read this post

I lick my lip and immediately regret it. The taste of salt enters my mouth.
My head is throbbing. Why do I always get headaches when I cry?
I have to go outside. I have to breathe.
I stumble out the front door, wondering where to go, what to do. I clutch my stomach feeling slightly queasy . Is it due to the morning sickness or the huge fight we’ve just had?
The world is both dark and blurry. The quiet side street is dimly lit for which I am thankful.
I cross the road and sit on the grass, still heaving with sobs.
Everything feels so dark and desperate. Thoughts fly through my mind, despairing and fearful. I glance down the road toward the busy street, watching the cars zoom by. Without knowing why, I am drawn toward it. I find myself on the corner, deaf from the noise of swiftly passing vehicles, yet everything in my mind seems deathly silent. Still. Waiting.
One jump and it will end.
The headlights grow closer and I feel my body sway slightly forward toward the street, yet my feet won’t move.
“WHY?!?” I shout as the truck passes, knowing my voice can’t be heard.
This time my motions are not without thought. They are painful and purposeful. I make myself turn from the corner and walk back down the quiet road and sit again on the grass. I am still sobbing in spurts and not knowing why everything feels so bad I’d like to die.
Then, I feel it, and it catches me so off gaurd I jump.
“A kick!” I say aloud. It is the first movement I have felt from my first child. I know without a doubt it is the baby.
I smile and then am suddenly struck with horror.
“What did I almost do?” I say aloud again.
I hug my stomach and begin to weep, rocking myself back and forth on the grass.
And then, after a time, I return home to a husband who is worried sick about his wife. And somehow, with my baby’s kick in mind, I find the strength to keep going.

Alright, for those of you who read this, I’d like to give a small history about this incident. I was almost 4 months pregnant with my first child so of course I was dealing with some major hormones but I had also been advised by my doctor that I should stop taking an anti-depressant I was on. I knew nothing about anti-depressants at the time, and this doctor made no mention of weaning.
I don’t even remember what Hubby and I got in a fight about, but he says it was a minor disagreement and was stunned when I simply left the house. Thing’s we’re very muddled in my mind due to going off this med cold turkey. So please, PLEASE always make sure to wean yourself very carefully off of any anti-depressant.

For more SOS posts (likely of a lighter nature) visit Brillig and Kate

Past SOS Posts:
Lucy-Furr
Lucy-Furr, Part II
Lucy-Furr, Part III
 Pure Magic

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October 6, 2007 | Filed Under Blog Carnivals, Mental Health | 17 Comments 

Have you heard the Buzz?

There’s a new social networking site in town and it’s going public tomorrow! Of sites of this variety that I have tried, this one is by far the easiest to figure out and get around. I’m still learning about it’s many features and I am having fun doing so. Also, this could be a great alternative to Facebook if you’re one of those who deleted their accounts over the breastfeeding photo controversy. So what are you waiting for? Visit Cre8buzz today and see what the buzz is all about!

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October 6, 2007 | Filed Under Random | 5 Comments 

Inflammatory Breast Cancer

“We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?

I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.

Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.

Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.

There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.

Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.

You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer.

P.S. Feel free to steal this post too. I’d be happy for anyone in the blogosphere to take it and put it on their site, no questions asked. Dress it up, dress it down, let it run around the place barefoot. I don’t care. But I want the word to get out. I don’t want another young mom — or old man — or anyone in between — to have to stare at this thing on their chest and wonder, is it mastitis? Is it a rash? Am I overreacting? This cancer moves FAST, and early detection and treatment is critical for survival.

Thank you. - Toddler Planet

To view this post on it’s original blog page click HERE

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October 6, 2007 | Filed Under Health | Leave a Comment