Debbie Downer
Have you ever avoided posting personal content on your blog because you thought you might sound like something of a downer?
That would be me this week. I can’t pin down any exact causes, it just seems to be everything and I’ve avoided posting anything about it, because I didn’t want to scare anyone off with a doom and gloom attitude. But Kailani asked a question for her Aloha Friday meme today that really got me thinking. She asked, Why do you blog? I put down something about a means of communication with the outside world or some such. But as I gave it more thought I realized I started blogging mainly just to say what I wanted to say. To feel there was place outside of my own home where I could truly be me. And to find clarity on different things I was thinking about. You see, writing allows me to really understand myself. As I write down my ideas and feelings, I understand them more. Sometimes I don’t know what’s bothering me until I start writing and then it comes out.
Ah, so that’s why I feel like hiding from everyone. How stupid!
And then I feel better because I know what’s going on and I can fix it or change my attitude.
But lately I haven’t even been honest in my blogging or willing to use it the way I originally intended. I’ve found I’ve been hiding from myself, and just now as I’m writing this I figured out what’s going on.
If you’ve read my blog for long you know that I struggle with, oh, let’s see, depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. The OCD is the main offender and the depression and anxiety usually stem from that. OCD takes many different, ugly forms, and I won’t go into details on how mine works, but when it’s at it’s worst I really would rather lay down and die than try to live with it anymore. Yes, I said live with it.
For so long, it was so natural to try to fight it, and yet fighting seemed to make it worse. I didn’t even know just what I was fighting until I was diagnosed and then I was told that I couldn’t fight it. That it was like some sexual predator, thriving off of every grab and yank. The more I fought, the more I fed it. I had to learn to accept it and then put it aside as a false threat. But the threat feels so real. When it’s at it’s worst I feel like I am desperately clinging to hope, to my beliefs, to my faith that I am a child of God and a good, sound human being. Feelings, even when we know they are false, are so difficult to ignore. But I have to do it during panic attacks and when the OCD rears it’s ugly head or I find my mind spinning out of control with terror and despair.
Then of course there is my unwillingness to accept the problem in the first place. Not only do I have to agree with the devil while in the way with him, I have to admit that I’m dealing with the awful disease in the first place. I want to think that every time I get a break from it, it’s gone for good. I don’t want to accept that it is slowly making it’s way back into my head, and when I don’t, it usually culminates into a melt down. Me ignoring what’s going on until it’s so bad it all falls on me at once and I’m left sobbing and praying for deliverance.
I know that without this God forsaken illness I might not be able to feel the kind of empathy I do for others, I might not be as accepting or understanding of the strange things people do, I might not have such a wild and crazy imagination. I know that without this illness I wouldn’t be who I am today, and as much as I hate this illness, I sort of like, me. So no, I would never change the fact that I’ve dealt with this since I was twelve. But if I could just up and get rid of it at this point, I would. Until it retreats into the shadows for an unknown amount of time again, I’m glad I wrote this and figured out that it’s bothering me again and I’ve just been pushing it aside. Now to willingly accept it and live happily along side it. Easier said than done.
:heart: 
Well its been 17 days since my son has swallowed his quarter and not out yet. We...
I really, really love this post, especially the last paragraph. I’m sure I’m going to refer back to it many times in the future when I’m having one of “those” days, weeks or months. Thank you, Summer.
I came to depression via a different route, but so much of what you’ve written here really resonates with me. Like you, I’m realizing I can’t fight the darkness with my eyes closed. And if you’re like me, you’ll write many, many posts like this one as you try to cope, re-realizing, re-learning. It’s rarely the first “Ah ha!” moment that gets us through. It’s repeated moments that seem to build up till they push us over the hurdles we’re stumbling over.
Satan is working overtime these days, but these blog communities of ours are a wonderful tool to fight him off with. We are surrounded by women who not only love, but also understand us.
My prayers are with you as you fight this. I don’t understand because I do not deal with it. But I can imagine it must be hard. Hope things get better soon.
I don’t get too personal on my blog either. I do have problems and issues that I’d love to talk about, but I’ve found that when I concentrate on being positive and trying to brighten the days of others, I’m brightening my own day by default. I got a lot more personal on my myspace blog and I always felt terrible afterward.
The thought to read your blog kept coming to my mind. I am glad that I did. I appreciate your talents. Through your gift of writing and sharing your struggles you helps others. We don’t always give ourselves the permission to struggle, we pretend that others don’t and make it harder on ourselves.
I waste a lot of time hiding from me too… great pastime, eh? Glad you got it all down in black and white. Hang in there Summer, and I’ll be praying.
I’m not sure what to say, except that it’s great that you have a place where you can work it out through writing.
It is usually when my babies are 6mos-1year that the panic attacks seem to come raging back. Do you think it’s related to that for you?
I think the knowledge of who you are (daughter of God) can be such a lifeline during those dark times. Sometimes those tiny sparks are all we have - we nurture them, feed them, blow on them and fan them into a flame again. And then the dark recedes for a time. I wish you well.
I can so relate to your post Summer. I too have hidden the real me from myself (denial) and from others - out of fear that I’d be rejected. But I found an outlet, an avenue to explore and express myself. But it is a risk. Many will not understand and many will think I am having a pity-party. But I want to be understood, so unless I can honestly say what’s going on, or what I’m diagnosed and struggle with - nobody will understand the real me.
My OCD manifests from intrusive thoughts/images and my way to cope is by counting. I count in multiples of 7.
Sometimes the counting is okay - but it does not ease the demons in my mind. I am learning that by counting I am only delaying… and that if I could face my thoughts - see them as ‘just’ thoughts and nothing more then the debilitating result of automatically counting as soon as an intrusive thought/image presents would ease as would the impact of the intrusive thoughts.
Easier said then done tho’.
Thank you for sharing - it helps to know others can relate.
I came by to tag you for a meme (tag), and I’m so glad that I did.
OCD is a very special kind of torture. People that don’t have it will never understand it, even if they try. But, some of us out here know just exactly what you’re talking about. So write!
I agree - write! I’m glad you did today. This is obviously hard for you to live with, but if you can offer information and encourage support for yourself, through your writing - then it’s good. Keep writing - even about all of your stuff. That’s what we are all doing - with our different stuff. I’m glad you wrote about these issues that are difficult for you to divulge and difficult for you to live with, because it has got to be good for you to get it out there and not keep it inside all of the time. I’m sorry you have had to live with these difficulties - but, I do like that you see them as contributing to some of the really good things about you. That is certainly a positive way of looking at it. I’d like to believe that you will find an answer to rid you of these demons - really. As difficult as it is for you to live with - it is also difficult for others to imagine it so, as well. You will be in my thoughts today - you and your beautiful post. See ya.
Thank you for trusting us with such openness and honesty. I agree that I also tend to avoid posting things that I think would be dark or downers, and like you, that is contradictory to why I blog in the first place. I connect to a lot of what you shared in this post.
As a fellow anxiety ridden, depression tormented mother, I salute you (and hug you)!! I feel like maybe you are my secret twin in so many ways. I stumbled on this as I am finally able to sit and blog again. I hope that this new year brings continued health and well being to you and your family!!