Comfortable
Sometimes, I’m surprised by how much I have changed in just the past few years. I got thinking about this tonight at a recipe exchange.
There, surrounded by good food, good people and good conversation I found myself feeling perfectly comfortable. Why, at book group just last week I was unafraid to voice my opinions or even, heaven forbid, try to be funny. Which I sort of was. This seemed slightly unnatural to me, for I remembered past gatherings of this variety where speaking out and feeling comfortable were not the case.
Just three years ago I would attend similar gatherings where I found myself feeling self-conscious, and quiet. My husband was concerned as I came home from each event feeling depressed. I felt bitter at the conversation going on all around me as I sat quietly listening in the corner chair. I listened to certain women speak up and speak often with ease, bitter that they would draw all the attention to themselves and not give others a chance to say anything.
I felt bitter that there were so many obvious close friendships that I was not a part of. Bitter that I heard of play dates and events to which I was not invited. I felt certain that I was ugly and annoying and that I was only invited to these events because they wouldn’t be able to hide their having occurred, from me. Yet I kept going to them and came back feeling more depressed every time.
So I found myself wondering, what is different now? Is it that those women have moved away? After all, they hated me right? They were the reason I was so sad right?
No.
What was different then, was that I hated me. So I assumed everyone else did too. How can I possibly expect anyone to think better of me than I think of myself?
No one was stifling me. They would have allowed me to speak out had I chosen it.
No one was trying not to include me. But you can’t force friendship.
I went through a lot of hurt before my perception of me and my assumptions about what others must be thinking of me, changed. Sometime I’ll go into more detail. But for now, I’ve realized that being comfortable around others, starts with being comfortable with myself.
I wish I would have learned that sooner. I think I missed out on some really great friendships because I was busy assuming no one wanted to be my friend.
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20 Responses to “Comfortable”
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Isn’t it amazing that sometimes life in the 30s still sometimes feels so much like jr. high. Congrats on the epiphany!
I have so CHANGED in the past few years…mostly because of our son, my wife…life just changes…
It can be good or bad…but it is inevitable! :)
Bradley
The Egel Nest
Oh my…I could have written this, I really could have. This has been my exact experience as well. I look back on the old me and feel so sad for her. Sometimes I see someone who is now how I was then and I just want to hug her and tell her it can be better if she makes it better. I wish I could fix people like that the way I somehow fixed myself, you know? Congrats, Summer..it’s a wonderful time to be coming out of our shells…
You know it already, but I so totally relate. And, unfortunately, I think I have to keep relearning that same lesson at every new stage in life. Next time, though, i can just come back and read this post. :)
I’ve become the same way over time and I know exactly what you are talking about. Age has a lot to do with it too - you just get to where you care more about yourself than you do about what people think or perceive you to be. I’m glad you are finding that balance in your life - it is a better place to be. Have a good day Summer - Kellan
I can so relate (like mother, like daughter). I agree with Meisha that I’ve relearned the same lesson at every new stage of life. And I also agree with Kellan that age has a lot to do with it. I think I was close to or into my 40’s before I really ‘got it’, so you are blessed to ‘get it’ so young still. Love you.
Well said, and something I think about a lot. I think I had a similar attitude in my neighborhood and last ward. With this recent move I’ve determined to be who I really wish I was. Does that make sense? I’m hoping that I can “Fake it till I Make it” so to speak. I think sometimes as Mother’s we spend so much time stifling ourselves to serve others, that suddenly we are put into a situation where we can be ourselves, and we realize we don’t know who that is anymore! Hence the growing and maturing of a woman. It think what you have gone through/going through is a common thing we Young mother’s experience. Someday we’ll be those old ladies in the back of the chapel yucking it up and feeling on top of the world! We just have a lot of living to do before we get there.
It’s sad how long it can take to learn to love ourselves. I understand what you mean –it’s been a long time coming with me. What the above comments said about age is so true. To see myself even 2 years ago compared to now…? Man, I’ve learned a lot, experienced a log, and I’ve come out on the other side a little bit better. I can see that’s what’s happening with you and isn’t it wonderful? Perhaps that’s why I don’t mind growing older, because I know I will continue to learn (hopefully!) in the process.
I’m glad you are happier, Summer. I really am, because you deserve all the happiness in the world!
Excellent points. At 35 years old now, it is easier for me to just BE, to get more involved in things, especially groups of women. I’ve had some twisted female friendships through the years, so on top of my introverted personality traits, I sometimes wonderf if I even know HOW to interact with women!
But it’s something that I feel more comfortable with now, because I’m feeling more comfortable with myself (as you noted), and also because with time I’ve learned to just let the silly, goofy things go. I like being grown up - you couldn’t PAY me to repeat my teenage years!
I enjoyed this post. :)
I joined a playgroup when my son was three months old. When I pulled into the park, it was full of shiny new SUV’s and minivans, and my car was a 10 year old Hyundai Accent with a smashed-in front end and no air conditioning. I was so sure I would be ostracized. But that group ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. No one cared what I drove or what I wore, the accepted me as I was… and the clincher… I learned to accept THEM, shiny minivans and all.
Awesome post. Something I need to be reminded of, as I am currently in the not-so comfortable spot. There’s hope for me!
I’m glad you’re comfortable with who you are. Life is so much happier that way. :)
I’m still working on being comfortable in groups, especially of people that I don’t know well. It’s always a struggle, and I wonder as well how many friendships I’ve missed out on over the years.
What a great insight. It’s something that I need to remember at this moment in my life… thanks
So glad to have found your blog. This is a beautiful post & so true. I wish all women could come to this kind of an understanding. Thanks for your insights…I’d love for you to visit my blog if you ever have the chance.
What a great post. So true. Thanks for stopping by my blog!
What a very thought-provoking post. I have found myself in the exact same position you describe yourself in a few years ago, right down to coming home from events just utterly depressed instead of uplifted, wondering why I was never invited to these playgroups, why nobody seemed to want to include me.
I ended up looking for a new circle where I felt more comfortable (women and mothers who were *like* me….), and think I did pretty well for myself. But now your post makes me wonder if I couldn’t have done the same thing in the circle of peers that already existed around me. Maybe I didn’t need different people, just a different perspective. And maybe I could open up my circle of friends to include those I had given up on.
I am interested if you found any particular process in becoming comfortable with yourself around other people. I think I keep assuming, if even on a subconscious level, that if people have vastly different opinions than I do, they won’t enjoy being around me. And I think I have a hard time breaking out of that thought process, which causes me to just keep to myself way too much. As a youth in church, I considered myself one of the easiest people to make friends with. As an adult, I very often feel like I don’t have the slightest idea how to form a friendship. The lucky few I’ve made have been because some other wonderful soul involved me until I *did* become comfortable around them.
I could have written this post. It’s taken me a long time to be comfortable with myself. I have so many insecurities it’s scary. I still struggle with the friendship thing and wondering if these women would want to be my friend. I know that I need to reach out more and while I’m better at it, it’s still very hard for me.
I’m so glad things are better for you!
Wow Summer! You got me on this one. I am NOT where you are now. I am still where you used to be. I know that it is me, but I haven’t gotten to the part where I am comfortable with myself. These are tough life lessons to learn. I’m so glad that you are able to be at this point and enjoy yourself and those around you. I admire you!
I’ve considered that others are feeling the same way, that is thinking that others have the goods and the individual inside is the one that is lacking. Whether you are the one sitting and listening and others wonder how you can be so self accepting to not need to draw attention to self or you are the one speaking that you wonder why, how you need and to draw attention to yourself.
I am grateful for the times I can listen and feel no judgment towards myself and when I can make a comment that I feel contributes to the group again without judgment towards myself. It is a process to get to such a place and stay in such a place and as you have experienced how it feels to judge yourself you can also be grateful to have evolved in that process. I am glad you feel confident to socialize in your group.
We don’t need to be find unkindness from others, it is hard enough learning to be kind to ourselves. Love ya