Absence has made my heart grow fonder but it hasn’t changed my mind
Five and a half years. That’s how long we’ve been out here, in graduate school.
Thousands of miles away from family, our kids hardly even know their relatives. The last time we saw them was 2 1/2 years ago, when Count Dooku was 4 and Obi-Wan was 3.
In some ways, I love being far away from my family. There are lots of…things, of a stressful nature happening constantly. And it’s good to be distanced from it. But at other times I’m sad about it.
Like when I think of my littlest sister, who I use to dream of driving around to the mall with her friends as she got older, and us dying our hair together and maybe even me being her confidante. She was only 10 when we moved away, and she’s growing up without me around. Her most crucial years and I’m missing them.
Or like when I think of my mom, who has always been my good friend and who I’ve only grown closer to and developed more respect for as I’ve become a mother myself. I wish she could see her grandkids whenever she wanted.
Or like when I think of my littlest brother, who is preparing to serve a mission for our church. I hear he’s six foot two now. But I wouldn’t let that go to his head of course. He’s still my little brother.
For as much as I love my family, and want my children to be near them and really know them, I don’t have any desire to move back to where they are right now. And it doesn’t all revolve around family issues. The culture in Utah is… well, when you’re a Mormon who has lived most of your life in Utah, it’s easy to confuse the culture and the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has been so refreshing to separate the culture from the gospel and gain a better perspective of the simplicity of the Church’s teachings. I really don’t want my kids to grow up in Utah for that reason and for some others. I want them to have more clarity than I did. To not waver in their testimonies of the gospel because of the unkindness or poor examples of members they will inevitably meet who don’t fully live what they claim to believe in. Of course this happens in all religions. And could happen even outside of Utah, but it’s a worry for me all the same.
And I don’t even know when Hubby will graduate or where we’ll move.
We started out on the same page, neither of us having any desire to go back to Utah. But absence has made his heart grow fonder. And he would like to live near his family again. So I’ve been pondering my feelings since I figure the possibility of moving to Utah may come into play in the near future. He’s been told he’ll graduate this year. Yet there is still no end in sight…
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16 Responses to “Absence has made my heart grow fonder but it hasn’t changed my mind”
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I understand you very, very well. And I’ve only been out of Utah for a year!
I think you’d be okay if you moved back to Utah. You would have had experience that will make your life there better than it could be –you will see the positive and refuse to relish in the negative. You just never know, though, eh?
Maybe he’ll be a student forever and you’ll never have to make the decision! ;)
“No end in sight.” That is exactly how I feel about graduate school right now. We have no idea where we will end up when we are done, but I just have to rely on the Lord to lead us to the right place.
I understand what you are feeling.
Wichita, Kansas will forever be my “home,” even though I moved away when I was three and rarely visited. Still, it’s where my extended family lives. I haven’t see my youngest sister in a decade. She’s now grown up with a daughter of her own, whom I’ve never met. My grandparents are there, as well as my aunts, uncles and cousins.
My husband and I have lived in Ithaca, New York for six years. It’s a liberal, open-minded, “green” culture with which I identify strongly. Could I ever move to a flat, conservative, demographically one-dimensional city/state?
I miss my family. But . . .
My thoughts exactly! I grew up NOT in Utah, but live here now. It’s been a VERY interesting experience for me. I see some positive things about it (I have to since I fear this may be “The Place” for us forever) but I do have all those other feelings you expressed. A tangled web… You’ll know what to do. The good thing is, no matter where you are, your family is what you want it to be. You’re the Mom.
You know…I grew up in Utah too and always thought I wouldn’t want to live there when I grew up and got married. Now…I have mixed feelings too. There certainly are two sides to the coin. At this point what I wish and hope for are: strong testimonies for my children, a good job for my husband where he feels productive and happy, and the wisdom to accept the Lord’s will in my life, no matter what.
Thanks for sharing your feelings. I can so relate!
Sometimes family, (read ‘extended family’) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, on my side OR HIS! ;)
At least, in my experience.
I am on the same page as you. My hubby wants to go back to Idaho SO BAD. Me? I’m not ready. I like Southern California for now… I loved it in Oregon. We haven’t lived close to family for about 9 years now. And yeah, sometimes it’s hard… but when the drama starts up (and it does on occassion) I’m glad to not be in the middle of it :)
I haven’t seen my side of the family in about 2 years. Sometimes, like you, I miss it. Most of the time, I don’t. Even though, similar to you, I left home when my youngest sister was 8, and my brother 10. They’re now full-fledged teenagers. ;)
I struggle with the idea of moving to Utah. I’ve only ever visited for short periods of time - never lived there. But the culture seriously scares me. And I’ve never found much beauty in the state, at least the parts I’ve seen. However, we do want to be closer to at least some of our family, and move back west. I can’t bring myself to consider the rainy pacific coast anymore, after growing to love sunshine so much, and the two places closest to family are Utah and Colorado (Colorado being our top choice of anywhere).
Anyway…rambling and pointless…I guess I just wanted to say that I identify you a little bit. Even if my husband shares my fear of Utah, unlike yours. ;)
I’m in Southern Idaho and while it’s not as bad as Utah, it’s still the same stuff. It’s hard. I struggle and my children are begining to also. I just try to keep it real for them while I struggle with my own experiences. Hopefully it all works out in the end. It’s tough to live by family and it’s tough to live away from family. I think we just have to trust the Lord and make the best of what we choose. You have exciting choices ahead of you. You hold your future in your hands. Have fun with it!
We’ve talked about this subject on a few occasions, and you already know I agree with you, but it’s always good to see it being discussed in an open way like this, and even more encouraging to see that so many people feel so similarly. I only hope this is part of an overall movement that may possibly lead to some positive change in Utah LDS culture in the future. There are many, many good things about Utah county that I would love for it to be a place I would feel more comfortable in. I think Salt Lake is definitely becoming a good option for living in Utah sans the “bubble” mentality.
I grew up in Northern California, lived in Utah for school, went back to California and now live in Idaho. I know what you mean about separating the gospel from the culture. I loved growing up in a place where the church wasn’t the majority.
I come from a Military family and so I was never where our family was from - you know. It was hard growing up without being near my grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles. We visited yearly, but it was not the same. I never knew any different, but since I am now older I realize how much I missed. I’ve been so pleased to have all my family together (my mother, my sister and her family, my brother and his family) her in TX for the very reason that it is wonderful that all the kids are growing up together. But … I survived and love my life - so it is not everything. You have to make the decision that is right for your little family. Good luck with your decision - it’s a big one.
Take care - Kellan
Oh how I relate. I was so happy to get out of Utah and I said the soonest I would go back would be after 10 years. Now, almost four years later and with a little one I am missing the opportunity for her to grow up with cousins and grandparents nearby. So as we look at our options, Utah seems to have crept back on the list. If it happens, it doesn’t have to be the end. We can always leave if the culture gets to us again. Good luck with your new adventure, where ever it takes you all.
Jodi
(so good to hear from you!)
Wow, thanks for this. I agree 100% and think I get caught up in the culture myself, and sometimes turn my back when I shouldn’t, all because of “the people in the culture”. I could use some clarity. Sometimes, sarcastically to myself, I get a false sense of clarity by changing my mind on what I truly believe at my core. This post kinda woke me up, although I know the point of the post wasn’t directly about this… I just need to simplify the religion in my head more often. Clarity.
Ah, serendipity…
1. my first-ever panic attack
2. e-mail to hubby from BYU Dept. Chair: “We have five tenure-track faculty positions available and encourage you to apply…”
Yikes!
Thanks for the posts -
You are making me miss my family! Thy are only 8 hours away and I see them at least 3 to 4 times a year, but I cry every time about the sister thing. My sister just turned 17 and I feel the same way you do.