Being a Mother
School would be out in 15 minutes. I had arrived early and pulled into a space facing my sons classroom. Only a moment later the school doors swung open and thirty or so kindergartners swarmed out onto the playground to savor a bit of the warm day, the first we’d had in a week.
I watched my little guy in his gray hoodie climbing the equipment, going down the slide and chasing friends around. After one particularly long chase that began with six kids, Count Dooku was the only one left in pursuit. I watched as he caught up to the boy in front of him. I watched as the boy turned around and shoved Count Dooku hard onto the ground.
I heard the driver side door click and then realized it was my hand on the handle, tense. I was ready to march on over to that offending child and give him a piece of my mind. But I stopped as rational thought took over instinct. I can’t be there to help him up every time he falls. I shouldn’t help him up every time he falls, even if I am there.
As I watched, Count Dooku stood up and went back to playing as if nothing had happened. I relaxed, thankful for his ability to shrug things off. Yet I was troubled as I realized this was only one of many potentially painful experiences he would face in his life.
How many times will he face physical or emotional hurts? Will his heart get broken? Will he lose faith in the goodness of humanity? What wouldn’t I give to be able to shield all of my children from hurt and harm all the time?
But I can’t give them that. No one can.
A simple quote comes to mind:
Worry is like a rocking chair–it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
Instead of worrying, I should be asking myself what I can give them to help them get through the painful tomorrows?
I have gotten by on faith. Faith that God exists, that he is aware of me personally. I have gotten by on love. The love of family and friends has buoyed me up in my darkest times. I have gotten by on others’ belief in me. Those who have expressed their belief in my ability to be better and do better and overcome hardship, has helped keep me going.
I can give them all of that, but even after I give them all I can to see them through, they will still be the ultimate deciders of their reactions toward what mortality hands them. I can only hope to set an example of patience and kindness that perhaps they will follow.
So much to work on personally, so much to teach, so overwhelming at times are the considerations of a mother.
:heart: 
Well its been 17 days since my son has swallowed his quarter and not out yet. We...
Beautiful and true. We shouldn’t even if we are there, at least not always - that is how they find out who they are and what they are made of. It is how they become their own person.
I have struggled with this same thing/ I want to be there to protect him every moment and I know I can’t. I am stressing about him spending so much time at school, especially next year when I can’t be there to control the situation. I have been having a very hard time letting go this year when it was only part time…what will happen next year when he’s ion first grade full time? Thank you for the quote…I will think on it today.
Summer, this exact thing happened to my daughter when she was in preschool. She attended the BYU preschool, and for those that know about it, there are one-way mirrors where students, teachers, and parents can observe from the other side (for research, classes, and “worried” mothers and fathers!). I saw her ask if she could play with some friends, and they told her “no” and walked away.
I totally bawled. Luckily I was the only one in the booth and cried quietly. I saw myself in there, being ignored and treated badly. It happened a lot to me in my early years, and yet she reacted the same way I did –the same way your son did –she just decided to try something else.
My grandmother is a notorious worrier, and I’ve inherited some of that, so I know what you mean. Faith is vital, that’s for sure!
What a beautiful and true and overwhelming post. I love it.
This is the hardest lesson I have had to learn as a mother. My heart aches to see my children experience this life yet I realize that as I let them grow, I grow also. It’s all part of the plan. If it was all good, where would we be? Thanks for this post!
Watching our kids grow up is just hard…there’s no doubt about that. I put my little girl (#1) in a toddler preschool a couple of years ago. It was one where they had two-way mirrors (like Cheryl described) … she was one of the older children there…I watched often because I wanted to know what she was like when I wasn’t around. There were times when other children were unkind, when teachers blamed her for things other children did, and when she just seemed to be forgotten. It was so painful. There were so many times I just wanted to walk in that door and fix everything. I’m happy I didn’t because it was amazing to see how she handled everything. That doesn’t make watching it any easier.
I’m worried about Kindergarten next year. Thanks for the quote about worrying and rocking chairs…I’m gonna have to keep that one in mind as I face the next big step in her life!
Beautiful and poignant.
Beautiful post, Summer! I was just thinking this the other day about Marissa, and letting the feeling go, as she now gets ready to go out into the world. She’ll be working, and going places with her friends, and then she’ll be off to college. And I don’t think, no matter how old our children our, that feeling to protect them will ever go away!! But what a feeling it is to watch them grow up!! :)
This is just what I needed to read this morning.
Exquisite - both in beauty and wisdom, Summer. I find myself thinking many similar thoughts these days…
I have had many similar moments to this one and it is heartbreaking. Being a mother and watching your precious little ones having to endure pain is so hard, but I am sure that is the way God feels when He, too, sees us makes mistakes as we walk this journey called life.
Excellent post!
Good thoughts. My son came home from Church yesterday telling me that another kid punched him. He said he punched him back. I didn’t get mad. ;)
It’s so hard to fight the maternal instinct to defend your child. However, I think you did the right thing by letting him handle it himself. And you should be proud at the way he did it!
I agree. I recently read a post by someone who’s friend keeps her son home on Wednesdays because he doesn’t like the teacher that’s there on that day. I felt that was the wrong course of action. How can they learn to deal with difficulty if we don’t let them?
Wow, it really is like a rocking chair, that quote is perfect.
(love the stripes)
So true. Every single beautiful, heartfelt word. True.
good luck to all mothers!
thank you for this wonderful post!
What a great post. I have had moments like that more times than I can count. My oldest is avery sensitive little boy and is often getting his feelings hurt. It breaks my heart to see him cry, but I know that I can’t fix it. He has to learn how to make it better for himself. I love the quote. It’s definately something I need to remember.
This is something I needed to read. Beautiful.
I”m glad you didn’t barge over there and rough that other kid up. Sometimes you have to just watch, even if it’s hard.
is it not fun being a mom, you just want to shelter them and keep them safe from even the little things.
What a beautiful post. I know exactly how you feel. I want to be the mommy that rushes over, but I don’t. I desperately want to pick them up every time they fall, but I can’t.
But I can give them everything you mentioned…love and faith, joy and hope.
Thank you!
Danielle
I know that feeling of wanting to go after that other child :)
You were wise, I think giving them faith is just what will help the most.
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I loved this post, the thoughtful way you told the story. I disagree with the commenter who said it’s not fun being a mom. I think it is fun, but I know that it is often hard. It is worth it.
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