Hard Decisions - Fateful Day Part V

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part VI

My mother purchased a plane ticket that day and was there the next morning. She had always been there for me in a my toughest moments and her presence brought me some much needed comfort. She was able to take care of me and the kids while my husband worked hard to meet his deadline. But in spite of her presence my situation remained the same. Fleeting moments of relief would come where the darkness that clouded my mind would break, making me feel as though all was well. But they were just that, fleeting. Inevitably a stray thought, a shout, the way the light from the sun hit my face would cause my body to begin tremoring and the intense panic or darkness to shroud me again.

We began to talk. She talked of flying the children and I back to Utah to stay with her for a while so I could recover and have a good support system. We, neither of us, had any idea of how long recovery might take. But it was clear I was in no state to run a household and my husband was at a critical time in his research. I couldn’t even trust myself to drive. I never knew when the panic would hit and my body would start spasming.

Even trying to take a walk outside was a feat. I remember the first time I did it just before my mother arrived. The weather was beautiful and I was feeling optimistic at the moment. So I put the boys in the double stroller and went downstairs. As I opened the door I started trembling. I knew there was nothing to be afraid of and so I wanted to cry as my body started a response I couldn’t control and knew was irrational. But I stepped out the door anyway and pushed the stroller around the apartment complex feeling my knees wobble the whole time. I came back in and relief flooded me. I had just taken a big step.

My second came a few days later. It had been decided that the kids and I would fly back with my mother. It felt odd knowing that the three of us had purchased one way tickets. We would be leaving our daddy and husband behind for however long it took. The day before we left my mom encouraged my husband and I to go out for lunch together. We went to Fuddruckers and the drive there and back was very difficult. I kept drifting in and out of myself, fighting the fear that threatened to take over. As we entered the restaurant and I saw all the people there it became worse. My legs were starting to shake. As we sat down, I jabbered to my husband about this and that, hoping that I might distract myself. In spite of it, every muscle in my body was telling me to run. Somehow I made it. I stayed in my seat, in spite of my embarassingly obvious agitation.

The next day we went to the airport. As we came to the security line I turned and hugged my husband tight and the tears welled in my eyes. It was so, so hard to turn my back and walk away from him not knowing when I would return. After we were through the line and had waved a final time to myhusband, the nearly paralyzing fear hit me. My mother was with me, yes, but as we waited to board our flight for an hour or so I couldn’t sit. I paced around, sometimes pushing the boys in the double stroller. My instincts were again telling me to run. I didn’t know where they would have led me but everything about the situation screamed panic to my body. When we finally boarded the flight and got seated I tried to concentrate. I tried to use what little coping techniques I had gathered on the web, to calm myself. They did help a little. I pulled out my scriptures and decided to read them while we took off. As we lifted into the air the dread hit strong but I kept focusing on the words in front of me, reading them without registering what they were saying. Then I recalled a letter I had gotten from a friend that I hadn’t read yet. I decided to pull it out and read it to further distract my fearful thoughts. It read:

“Summer,
I just wanted to write you a note and thank you for letting the women in our church be of service to you during this time of difficulty. There are so many who love you and were eager to help and I know myself and so many have been praying for you. I hope that you have felt the love of the Lord as we have served you. I know that He loves you and is watching over you and your family, especially during times of trial. And know that the women in our church are always ready to serve you if you need it.

I felt such overwhelming love as I read those words. Enough to calm me for the rest of my flight. Somehow I felt through her kind words, the love of my Heavenly Father. I truly did feel that He was aware of my situation and that He loved me. I knew my battle wasn’t over yet, but for the moment I was calm enough to get to where I needed to go to get well again.