Nightmare Relived - Fateful Day Part VI

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V

I had been sitting at the kitchen table for at least 45 minutes, staring at the yogurt and medicinal capsule in front of me, trying to get up the courage to do what I felt must be done.

I had been in Utah just a few days and had already seen my old doctor. The one who had first started me on anti-depressants years ago. I trusted her judgement. I knew that I was in a very dangerous place. The urge to relieve my body and mind of the agony it was in, was with me hourly. But the thought of putting any “medicine” in my body at this point, petrified me.

It was a new type of anti-depressant, one that would take care of the physical symptoms that came with depression and should also help the panic disorder. She perscribed me the lowest possible dose. She even said I could open the capsule and just pour half of the contents into some yogurt to start. Still I hesitated. My hands shook badly as I opened the capsule and shook out some of the contents onto the spoonful of yogurt I had scooped up. My mom had been in and out of the kitchen all morning. She had said nothing but I knew she was trying to be a comfort to me with an occasional glance and smile.

I picked up the spoon, put it in my mouth and swallowed the bite in an instant. I shook and cried as I did so. I finished my yogurt though it was filled with tears. Then I set about to distract myself. My mind kept thinking of the time it took between the swallowing of my first pill that week or so ago and the time the awful effects took place. 1 hr. and 30 minutes exactly. I tried not to focus but I kept waiting for that mark, the mark that meant either safety or death to my mind. I never reached that mark.

Thirty minutes after I took the medicine that morning, my nightmare began again. The burning shooting down from my head into my hands, the intense nausea with no ability to purge myself. I sat on the couch sobbing as I fought the trembling that overtook my body. This time it came with mood swings. I was terrified one moment and laughing at nothing the next. I sat on the recliner in my parents living room. That’s all I can remember. Reclining there and suddenly realizing I had been there most of three days, burning. I had eaten next to nothing. Some water, plain unseasoned mashed potatoes and crumb donettes (of all things) were all that I had been able to eat for three days and of those I had taken in very little.

I remember walking into the bathroom that third day, relieved that I was actually feeling hungry and somewhat calm. My jeans felt loose so I stepped onto the scale and was shocked to see that fifteen pounds of me were missing. I had hardly eaten anything and my body had been in constant adrenaline (thus calorie burning) mode for three days.

Later that day my dad came upstairs with information that would re-start the healing process.

“I’ve been doing some research on the net,” he said. “In rare instances anti-depressants and thyroid meds interact toxically. Plus, if you metabolize an anti-depressant too quickly you get some side effects like the ones you’ve had. I think we need to get your thyroid tested and take you off your thyroid medication right now.”

We would soon learn how very right he was…