No Greater Joy

Last week I had a really rough day with the kids. It was nothing in particular, just a general ruckus they had amongst each other filled with whining and crying and fighting. My nerves were shot and my head vibrated with near pain with each new shout. By the end of the night I was ready for a break.

I believe that taking breaks from the kids on a regular basis is imperative to the mental health of the mom. Today I got one of those breaks. Tom watched the kids while I went to see a movie. I came home for dinner and then he told me I could go out again if I wanted and he would put the kids to bed. Funny enough though, I didn’t want to go.

I watched little Sassypants, golden ringlets bouncing as she jumped and ran around the room to the music in her head. I scooped her up and tickled her chubby neck, kissed her little cheeks and tried to convince her to hug me. I watched Count Dooku playing on the computer, reading the words on the screen out loud with ease. I watched Obi Wan talking to himself while playing with his cars. As I left the house they each ran to give me a kiss and a hug.

I drove around aimlessly for a bit, wondering what to do with myself. I finally decided on a malt at the local ice cream shop. After I purchased it I walked outside and parked myself on a bench overlooking a lake. I sat on the bench with my eyes closed for some time, feeling the wind tousle my hair and loving it. Stormy weather, my favorite weather, always seems to make me more thoughtful. As I sat I thought of my children.

Motherhood is not easy. There are days where I am absolutely ready to pawn the kids off on their daddy and disappear for a while. But today wasn’t one of those days. Today, I had a moment of clarity. A moment that comes to all mothers and reminds us of why we chose motherhood. To be a mother is to face discouraging, thankless, even utterly soul defeating moments on a regular basis. How much sweeter then are those impromptu thank you’s, hugs and kisses and cooperation.

There is nothing that brings me more joy in my life than my children. There is nothing I would trade motherhood for. My children are a miracle. Each one of them, so precious. They haven’t even grown into adulthood yet but sometimes I look at them and my heart aches for the pain I know they will face in this life. I want their happiness so badly but I know I can’t provide them that.

What I can and will always be able to give them is my love. I know that no matter what they do and who they become I will love them. I may not always support them in their decisions, I may even wish to take away their agency at times to keep them from hurting themselves or others, but I simply cannot. It’s moments like these, where my heart swells with gratitude for the love they elicit and the joy they bring, that get me through the difficult times of being a mother.