The thing about Depression

It’s kind of like being caught unaware in a thunder storm.

You’re walking along on a bright sunny day with a light breeze blowing in your hair and billowing clouds in the distance. You’re busy with this and that and only take a little notice when the clouds begin to cover the sky. They still look white and harmless in any case. The day passes on and soon, because evening is drawing nigh you don’t realize it when the sky starts to darken prematurely. You notice that perhaps the temperature has dropped a few degrees but again attribute it to the setting sun. In a few moments the breeze that played lightly with your hair is now tangling it and swirling a damp smell into your nostrils. Looking up, you suddenly see the clouds, black and ominous above you. You blink rapidly as a torrent of rain bursts forth. Running for cover is fruitless as you are already engulfed in the squall and soaked through but you attempt it anyway. The rain is so thick and blinding that soon you’ve lost your sense of direction and don’t know where to find cover. You can only hope the storm will pass soon.

Rarely does anyone go from fine one day, to dealing with depression the next. There are always signs, but they are easily attributable to other things because they come on so slowly.

Oh, it’s just my stupid period again. I’m just fatigued because I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately. I’m just grumpy because things are hard at work.

These things can all be simple passing things, so how do you know when they’re not? Unless you’ve been dealing with depression for a while it’s nearly impossible to see the signs, and even then it is difficult. You shrug the bad days, the bad attitude, the lack of energy and motivation off saying it will pass. Yes, even if it is depression it will pass, but if it is depression it may get a whole heck of a lot worse and last for some time before it does. It’s usually not until your in the thick of it, till you break down that you think, “What is wrong with me?” and you realize that the little things have been accumulating and that you haven’t felt normal for a while.

That happened for me today, as I learned that my hubby would be home late again and I would need to make dinner. I thought of coming up with some creative meal because I haven’t truly cooked in a long time but the thought of the work that went along with it dissuaded me once again. As I stood stirring the reconstituted instant potato flakes and frozen peas, thoughts of what a crappy mother I am for not wanting to do more for my kids’ dinner kept entering my head. Then I remembered thoughts from earlier in the day about it being Count Dooku’s last day of school. Inside myself I was bemoaning the fact that they the boys are out now. That we live in a tiny, crummy little apartment and I have no yard to put them in. If they go outside I have to go with them to watch them and how exhausting it is to be the main source of their entertainment. My thoughts drifted from what a terrible friend I’ve been because I haven’t even tried to schedule a play date in months to how ugly I think my facial side profile is.

I KNOW my life is good. We are so blessed to have shelter, to have these beautiful kids who teach me so much every day, to have food and a wonderful support system at church. I KNOW I’m a decent mom who tries to teaches my kids good principles, who takes them to places to experience and learn new things. I am fairly certain I’m a good person and hope I at least get credit for trying to be, but lately all I can focus on is what I do wrong and I have no inspiration for trying to make my shortcomings better. It’s so difficult to do what you know is best when you’re heart isn’t in it. KNOWING and FEELING are two different things and you only get more depressed when your feelings don’t compliment what you know.

I don’t feel like eating healthy even though I know it can help my mind and body. I feel like junk so I crave junk.
I know I should spend more time doing worthwhile things but I just want to veg out on video games and TV so I don’t have to think about everything that is making me discouraged.
I know I should cut back the kids TV time and game time but I’m so uninspired and grumpy that I just want them out of my hair at times.

I’ve been fatigued, uninspired, hyper critical of myself and cynical of others and these symptoms have slowly been gathering like storm clouds. The thunderhead burst over me today and I realize that it’s more than just a passing moment. Now that I realize what I’m in the middle of the only thing to do is wait out the storm and hope it passes fast. I may not be able to control the way I feel but I CAN still control what I do. I’ll keep trying to do the things I know I should and hope that my feelings will soon echo my actions. I KNOW I’ve passed through before (and will again) and that gives me some strength. That and the love I feel from my family. No matter how gray I feel, my baby girl’s smile, Obi Wan’s laugh or Count Dooku’s reading out loud to himself can always lighten the downpour a bit.