Possibilities

When I realized that the temperature today would be an amazing 73 degrees, I took Sassy outside to play. We grabbed Sassy’s bike and headed downstairs to ride around on the cement in front of our apartment complex.

After a time, Sassy and I decided to play in the leaves. As we crunched the fallen beauties beneath our feet I tried to explain to her about why the leaves were on the ground. I told her about Autumn and how the leaves fall off the trees. I knew that she immediately understood because she got a shocked look on her face and asked sadly, “Leaf fall off a trees?” I nodded and was worried she might cry from the news when her look turned into one of contemplation. After a moment she picked up a leaf on the ground, held it as high over her head as she could and then jumped up and threw the leaf. Unbeknownst to her, it fluttered behind her head and back onto the ground. She turned to me looking very satisfied and yelled happily, “I did it!!”

Her sweet little intention then became to throw every leaf back onto the tree it came off of. And I watched her pick up leaf after leaf, throwing each above her head, not knowing that each one drifted back to the ground behind her. And really, she’s two so it’s not important to say anything. Right now I just love that when she sees something she wants to fix, she has no thought of being unable to do so. Everything is possible for her and I want her to hold onto that for a while yet.

I went through a period of time where nothing seemed possible. Instead of blossoming at the same age many children and teenagers do, I retreated farther into my shell. I was convinced that the dreams I used to believe in were undeniably impossible and I thought to blame others for that mind set. But I was the inventor of my own misery. And miserable I was.

My immediate thought when I saw or heard of something beautiful, helpful, amazing or otherwise was that I could never do that thing or be that kind of person. I was just me and in my opinion I was pretty crummy.

Nothing happened all at once to change my mind, to help me realize I had imposed my own boundaries. But slowly, over time and because of many events, I saw my dreams again and had hope that they could come to fruition. I became more like my little toddler throwing leaves up into the air believing that they could find their way back to the tree. Of course, I’m realistic. I know that there are things I will simply never have time in this life to accomplish but if I really want to learn something or do something or be something then the only person stopping me from trying is me. And effort is the essential part. As I write this I think of a poem I wrote as a teenager:

Seasons change and so shall I
Under Heavens watchful eye.
The better path, unrealized
Is often narrow or disguised.
Ever yearning, ever seeking
Endless havoc in me wreaking.

Over contemplative sessions
Wielding forth my true confessions.
Earnest pleas for better being
Now my heart within me fleeing.
Someday I may make the measure,
Of the me I long to treasure.

I am in no way perfect but I think I’m pretty close to actually being the me I once desired to be. I’ve erased my own boundaries, I’m constantly striving to learn new things and I’m ever open to improving myself or changing my opinions. The possibilities for what I do and who I continue to become are limitless and it’s invigorating. It’s exciting! It’s freedom!