The chicken smells like fried stairwell

That’s what I told my husband when I walked in our apartment door last night. Obviously I’d had another long day. As we snuggled under the covers last night I said,

“I think I have a mid-life crisis pretty much every month.”

He snickered, knowing exactly what I meant by that. But really, I’m often in a state of transience when it comes to feeling satisfied with my progress in life. Sure it’s ok to cut yourself some slack once in a while but it’s also important to keep striving to be better. I can rarely find a balance between the two. So I got to thinking about my life and where I am as opposed to where I thought I would be years ago. It reminded me of a collage I made with some church leaders and youth 10 years ago. We got together one night and cut loads of magazines apart, gluing pictures or sayings about our dreams onto poster board.

I dug it out of my hope chest today. I don’t know how it didn’t get thrown away years ago but I’m so glad it didn’t. On the back of the poster board is written ‘May 12, 1998 To compare w/life in 2008′
Well here it is, over 10 years later. Let’s take a look see at what the aspirations of my 16 year old self were. I mean other than wanting a cat and a dog, which won’t happen until we have a house.

This was a big one for me - A fiery red head at heart (and sometimes in appearance when I’ve dyed my hair). Tempers run hot in my family and my thoughts as I pasted this phrase on were that I never wanted to lose control of my temper again. (HA! Still trying)

Above is me as a sexy basketball star! Oh how many hours I spent dreaming of playing professional basketball. Yeah, that didn’t happen. At least I had fun playing point guard in High school.

Motivational, a little dramatic - totally me. Yeah, I still think that quote is awesome. I’m a cheeseball.

Funny how the smallest picture on the collage made my heart stop for a moment. Everything that I am now, hinges on those two little rings. Ok, not those rings specifically and not even on our wedding rings specifically, but on our union. I am a wife, I always wanted to be a wife. I am a mother. I didn’t always want to be a mother.

To be perfectly and embarrassingly honest here I was terrified of having to…um…do what it is you have to do to become a mother for a VERY long time. Plus I was never one of those teenage girls who loved kids. I babysat on occasion but I rarely enjoyed it. Babies were messy, slobbery, snotty little things and kids were too annoying, demanding and silly. What a brat I was, huh?

But now motherhood defines me. I mean, I try not to let it completely over run my life. I make sure I have hobbies and spend time to myself. But it defines me in that nothing I do is solely about me anymore. Every decision I make affects my husband and 3 little people who are eager to follow my example. Sometimes that is stressful, mostly though it’s helpful. It’s helped me change for the better. Once I heard my 3 year old say Damn! for the first time, I knew right then I had to be better at watching my mouth when I hurt myself. Once I saw my 2 year old trying to drink out of the milk carton I realized that I’d better stop drinking out of the milk carton.

Children make you see the worst in yourself without making you feel like you’re a bad person. You see them following your bad example and you not only don’t get discouraged in yourself, you know without a doubt that you can be better and that you must be better, just for them. It’s win win. They better you, you better them. Without even realizing it sometimes.

In spite of the many dreams I’ve had to cast aside, in spite of how mentally and physically draining child rearing can be, in spite of how horrible I sometimes think I am as a mother, I know that this is exactly where I want to be right now. I have become and am still becoming the person I always wanted to be. One who is improving herself each day and sharing her love of life with people she loves more than life. What could possibly be better than that?

September 18, 2008 | Filed Under Motherhood | 10 Comments 

Labor Day

Yeah, so I know labor day isn’t about actual labor but at the same time it was a heck of a lot of work to bring my kids into the world and since I don’t get the day off (what mother ever does) I’ll just give myself a shout out for hard work well done. Want to play along? Put up your post and go sign the Mr. Linky at Rocks in My Dryer

How long were your labors?

* Count Dooku was 14 hours
* Obi Wan was 19 hours
* Angel Girl was 6 hours (Thank you induction)

How did you know you were in labor?

* With Count Dooku I hadn’t even had a Braxton Hicks so the first time I felt a contraction I knew just what it was and then they kept repeating and getting closer…
* With Obi Wan I had been having strong contractions off and on for weeks. At my doctors visit 3 days after his due date the doctor told me I was 4cm and to go to the hospital
* With Angel Girl I was induced, one stinkin’ day early. I warned them she would be big but would they listen to me?

Where and how did you deliver

All three at the hospital with epidurals. No C-sections thankfully.

* Count Dooku was at the hospital with an epidural that only worked on the left side of my body. He made his grand entrance after 2 1/2 hours of pushing, forceps and a 4th degree tear
* Obi Wan was at the hospital with a failed epidural. One deliriously painful ring of fire and 2nd degree episiotomy later, he was born
* Angel Girl threatened to be a c-section and I had been scheduled for one but when we went in we found she had finally turned. I was pretty sure that’s what they would discover before we went in due to an event a day or two prior. Feeling a baby that big, that far along make the transition into a downward position was one of the most painful things I’d ever felt. When we came back a week later for an induction I was told I was already in labor. But I couldn’t tell.

Birth Stats (I added this one ’cause I always like to know about birth stats)

* Count Dooku was 8lbs. 8oz. and 21 inches long
* Obi Wan was 10lbs. even and 22 inches long
* Angel Girl was 10lbs. 2 oz. and 22 1/2 inches long.

Happy Labor Day!

September 1, 2008 | Filed Under Memes, Motherhood | 17 Comments 

Back to School

I know I’ve mentioned how excited I’ve been for school to start up again. Well Count Dooku started Monday and it’s been great for both of us. He thrives in such a structured environment and I thrive on time not spent in a battle of wills. Don’t think me completely heartless though. Of course I love him and his moving into 1st grade is just another sign of his growing apart from me. Sometimes tangible reminders like the start of school force me to acknowledge the inevitable. Make me wistful for more time enjoyed with his youth still unspoiled. So this break from my son has already been good on that count.

Little Obi Wan starts kindergarten tomorrow. I’m a bit more apprehensive about his going. He told me with tears in his eyes on Monday that he would miss me. Such a sensitive sweetheart I never imagined calling son. He, too, seems reluctant to face the inevitable. Here is where the sorrow of separation becomes more keen as I encourage him to do what I myself do not want him to do. To grow up. To be brave and leave mommy behind each day. It’s amazing how different two children so close in age can be.

It will be so different with my two oldest children gone all day. Certainly there will be more time for many of the things I wish to accomplish, more time to relax, more time to miss my boys and think about why I love them so much. There will also be more time for their little sister left behind who is, herself, growing up far too fast.

August 26, 2008 | Filed Under Family, Motherhood | 18 Comments 

My Mother, My Friend

I was lucky to have such a good relationship with my mom as a kid. Of course we had our disagreements but overall things were good, are still good. I never had any reservations about telling her anything. About asking her anything. She knew how to maintain a proper balance between being my mother and being my friend. She believed in my abilities and let me know when I wasn’t living up to my potential. Sometimes I agreed with her. Sometimes I wished she’d stop expecting so much of me. But I always knew she was right, that becoming a better person was an active decision. And that even if I continued to be stubborn and slough off in my school work or other areas of my life, she would still love me. I knew she would always be there for me.

I remember the night my boyfriend left. I was 18 and he was my first love, the first boy I had ever kissed. I was certain I would marry him, but first he needed to serve a 2 year mission for our church. It wasn’t a requirement, it was his own decision and one I had encouraged him in. But that didn’t make his leaving any less painful.

As we stood out on the lawn that final night in a tight embrace whispering our 10th good-bye, my mother stood inside the door waiting. A final tight squeeze as the tears filled my eyes and we separated. He had to run to his car to avoid being drawn back toward me and I had to run to the door to avoid the same. He started his cars ignition and waved at me with tears in his eyes as he drove away. I waved too and then broke into a sob as I fumbled to open the screen door. I flung it open and then jammed the weight of my body against the main door to push it open. As it swung open I saw the shape of my mom standing there, her arms pulling me to her. I was already sobbing so hard my head hurt. She guided me down the stairs, helped me crawl into her bed and tucked me in. Then she lay on the covers beside me and stroked my hair until I fell asleep. She was completely silent in word but her actions meant everything. Whether my pain was over dramatic or not, she knew how keenly I felt it and she didn’t try to stop that. She let me grieve hard while assuring me with only her presence and I’m forever thankful for that.

I love you mom. Happy Birthday.

August 24, 2008 | Filed Under Family, Motherhood | 12 Comments 

A little bit of drama, a whole lot of sweet

I never thought a baby girl would be that much different from a baby boy. Well, excepting anatomy of course. But I’ve changed my mind since having one - we women are doomed from the start.

An initial emotion may be one of sadness or frustration, but she doesn’t let it stay at that. No, she goes for added volume just to be extra clear about what she’s feeling. She’s finally learned that throwing her body backwards and hitting her head on the floor when she’s mad does more harm than good - now she kicks her legs wildly instead. Or if she’s in my arms she kicks and flails and hyperventilates as well. It’s quite a display. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I want to cry and sometimes I want to cuddle her and say, “Yeah, some days I just want to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and hyperventilate too.”

She’s like an over filled water balloon. Always on the verge of bursting. She’s not even a teenager yet! But the drama can only last so long and then it’s back to that 4 toothed grin that makes me melt. It’s back to the toddling/stumbling around the house while babbling that never fails to make me smile. Back to the intense concentration of trying to fit a square block into a round hole. The drama comes and goes but there’s always an Angel underneath that I can’t seem to get enough of.

July 17, 2008 | Filed Under Babies, Motherhood | 15 Comments 

Mama needed a break

I try to be a patient loving mommy. Sometimes it’s hard. Even with my sweet little baby girl. She’s been so sick the past couple of days and today she was more needy than ever. Most of my day was spent trying to console her as she whimpered. Some of my day was spent trying to keep patient with her as she threw numerous screaming and body flailing tantrums if I put her on the floor, or in her high chair or did anything she didn’t like. But at one point it was too much and I set her down and just let her scream and cry, all by her little self.

I hate feeling helpless, knowing my child is hurting but not being able to do anything about it. Knowing they’re hurting and still feeling so frustrated with their grumpy behavior. I needed a break, so I left the kids with hubby and I drove. I went to the grocery store and grabbed a newspaper, I went to the craft store just to browse. Then I went to Barnes & Noble, and ordered my favorite treat, a warm Granny Smith Apple Purse drizzled in caramel. I ate slowly while I read a lame celebrity magazine.

I needed the break. I came home and stroked my sleeping babies cheek, wishing now that I could wake her and hold her for as long as she wanted. Getting away is ok, even necessary at times to being a mama more appreciative of her little ones.

June 21, 2008 | Filed Under Babies, Kids, Motherhood | 14 Comments 

Another Tough Lesson Learned

My blogging friend Laurie (whose blog is private) posted this on her blog the other day and it really touched me so I asked her if I could publish it here, just in case someone who reads my blog needs to hear it as much as I did. Thank you Laurie!

Another Tough Lesson Learned

Okay, so my kids hate it when I blog about them but since I have no other form of entertainment, it’s all about them.

Last night as I was sending my kidlets off to bed, Justyn came to me and told me we needed to go somewhere private and talk about something really important. I looked at my mountain of laundry on my bed that still needed folded, the kitchen covered in dirty dishes and plant dirt that Henry had spilled everywhere, the living room cluttered with toys and books and the vacuuming and dusting that still needed to be done before I went to bed and I really just wanted him to talk to me while I kept on working. I didn’t have time to stop. He was insistent so I told him to pick the spot. We headed upstairs to the far bedroom where no one sleeps and shut the door. He sat on the bed and I sat down next to him. He started to cry.

J: “Do you promise to still love me no matter what?”
Me: “Umm….yes?!!”
J: “Will you promise to help me through this problem no matter what?”
Me: “I’ll do my best…”
J: “Because your my mom and that’s what mom’s do, right?”
Me: “Right!”

I have to admit at this point I was scared to death of what was coming next. And seeing him so upset and crying actually made me cry also. Then he told me his problem and I was so relieved that I cried even more.

He really wanted to see what it felt like at school to get a really good grade on his Greek and Latin test and so he put a paper under his desk with the answers on it and then copied the answers. When he got his test back he had received a very good grade and his teacher was so proud of him and all the kids at his table praised him and he said he felt AWFUL!! He knew he had been dishonest and that he had let himself down. He knew he had done the wrong thing and he had spent the last month trying to figure out how to make it right. He said that he had gone to bed each night with a headache because he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He had been praying about what he should do and he finally decided that there was no other way out except to just tell the truth. He was at a point where he didn’t want to carry this around anymore and he was prepared for whatever punishment he would receive. He was ready to be the first 4th grader expelled from Xavier and he was ready for Dad to “kick his butt” just as long as it could finally all be over. He didn’t want to do this on his own anymore. He talked and I listened. And in the end, I think he taught himself a bigger lesson than I ever could have taught him.

I have thought about this overnight and all morning. I remember when he was little and we worked through tough life lessons like “if you don’t eat your dinner, you’re going to be really, really hungry by morning”, or “if you don’t bring your laundry down before Sunday morning, you will wear dirty, wrinkly clothes to church”, or my personal favorite, “if you wear your shoes for 4 days and nights straight because it’s easier to just leave them on then to have to get up and retie them each morning, your feet are going to get really really smelly and they will stay that way for about a year and the doctor will watch them for fungus and other complications”. Each thing was major at the time, but we made it through each experience and he learned and grew and has gradually become more and more responsible. Nothing has been so bad though that in the end, a hug and a kiss couldn’t fix.

So, as I watched him in tears, sobbing, and begging me to love him no matter what, my mind flashed forward to years ahead and I realized that he will make many more choices, some of which I will probably not agree with or maybe not even understand or be able to fix. It’s important that I make sure that my children know that I will always love them unconditionally, no matter what, and that I will do my best to help them where I can, because that’s what mother’s do. This is an eternal commitment that I made between them and God. I just hope I can have the strength and the right answers when I need them. This is harder than I thought it would be.

As a mother, watching my child suffer and knowing that I couldn’t help him until he asked, also made me think more about my relationship with my Father in Heaven. We are taught that He is always there to help us and comfort us but we have to ask. Last night the roles were reversed and I was the parent this time. As Justyn tried to deal with this trial on his own, it was bigger than he had the knowledge and strength to do alone. He finally came to me, extremely broken down and humbled, and asked for my help and forgiveness and was willing to do whatever I decided in order to repent of this and move on in his life. Had he just come to me in the beginning, he could have saved himself a lot of stress and worry and wasted time. Instead, he kept it to himself and tortured himself far more than I would have ever done. As I listened to him, I thought, “You silly child, I was here all along. All you had to do was ask. You don’t have to do it all on your own. I am your mother and I love you! I’d love nothing more than to always be here for you, to listen to you, to cry with you, to wipe away your tears, and then gently guide you back to safety.”

And I think I finally got it!

June 4, 2008 | Filed Under Motherhood | 8 Comments 

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